The Bent Epicurean Artisan

Vulnerability Ceasefire Under Attack?

2010-02-23T13:58:00.000-08:00

Things are always easier said than done. Period.

I try looking back to where I was some eight months ago when I felt the most peaceful and in control. I am wondering whether that state of mind was just a phase that may arise in the future akin to a radio wave that rises and falls at a specific interval.

During those “vulnerability ceasefire” period I was fully facing a clear path ahead of me and was not at all worried about what might happen along the way. I felt this was already going to be a consistent development in my life. So, I made progress, I thought.

Needless to say, I am writing this with my heart brimming with confusion, anxiety and hurt feelings. It takes me back to several periods in the past when I was yearning for a partner who I can share life with and create memorable experiences together.

And this time around my concept of a relationship has changed. In that regard, my current vision of being in love is to primarily have someone who will be a witness to my life and vice versa. Something that will demand more responsibility from both sides and one that will make me understand better the dynamics of romantic companionship.

Maybe, I can attribute this to my full independence in life and knowing better who I am and what I want. I see myself like a homeless man who is just waiting for someone to catch me and keep me there for good. Sometimes, when I think about it I can’t help believing what others think of me. Some people believe I am simply a dreamer. And being a dreamer is one characteristic of a hopeless romantic. I can only say MAYBE!

I am a person who doesn’t believe in failure. The only way is moving forward. Why do we have to slip back to our bygone tracks when we have already gone so far? That is not my option at all.

This is one area wherein I feel strongest. And I am very glad for that. Many, many years ago I was completely weak and fickle. It was tough because I have no say about my own decisions. I let other people decide for me.

Looking at the current dilemma, I am trying to understand better my vulnerabilities and if it’s another sign of weakness. However, after doing some research most people believe submitting yourself to the frailties of life make you one strong man albeit the common notion that to be vulnerable is to be weak. In fact, I believe what they say because for someone to face pain and grief head on is indeed a character of the strong.

Now, what decision must be reached? What choices must I make?

Rationally, I wouldn’t want to shrink back to the detached, emotionless and very private person and later on get caught again in the vicious cycle of the vulnerability ceasefire. Having come to Jordan and tried to make things work out despite the incomprehensible culture of Arab men may be a form of test to know how far I can go and if I can make it through. As emotional matters are quite a difficult hurdle for most of us, this may be the time to address it and surface triumphant!

To the fight ahead of me, it’s a fight for survival! Inshallah!

Continuous Discovery

2009-04-19T02:12:00.000-07:00

How much do you know yourself?

I really wonder if a significant number of the global population really know themselves 100%.

Based on my own experience, I have started taking stock of my own attitudes, feelings, wants, tendencies and biases in my late twenties. And even then I have not acknowledged the truth of those discoveries until some two years ago.

I believe that by failing to accept our truths we will have a hard time moving on with our lives. It will be akin to a life lived in denial.

Maybe some people just need to avoid confronting their own fears because it reminds them of very hurtful feelings. It reminds them that they are still haunted by the past and are not ready to face it.

But what keeps us from coming to terms with these experiences? Haven’t we learned from the elders that the key to bliss and success is by fully accepting ourselves for who we are?

For the lack of explanation, we leave everything to reason. We submit ourselves to the mysteries of life. It is the easiest and safest scapegoat.

I have seen others who live life with freedom and whatever they do they don’t give a damn. They must have felt better than most of us. Although freedom comes with responsibilities I believe being able to set oneself free from the dictates of our norms and conventions makes one a truly free man. Life is more convenient if we follow what’s orthodox. We all want order, uniformity and compliance. Otherwise, wouldn’t life be chaotic?

If there is one thing I need to start embracing at this point it is the ability to be assertive. I think through unimpeded expression of oneself one can deal with his other weaknesses easily. It is like the mother ship of all. To be not in a grey area is the sweetest form of success. Life exists in duality: yes and no, left and right, top and bottom, hot and cold.

I am fully aware of the paths to take but still succumb to falling in the grey area. Why I don’t have enough courage to stand my ground? What am I really scared of? Is it about realizing that I am but a human being bereft with frailties like anybody else?

Maybe I am just trying too hard to project an image that is not so congruent to what is really deep inside. Maybe I am just afraid that if I lay bare my truths I will become less desirable.

Ah! It must be all about acceptance. The fear of rejection. The fear of embarrassment.

People rise and fall and people will never stop having opinions of others.

Since we can’t stop that – and that’s essentially the truth, we better live with it while keeping it from affecting the course of our lives.

Anyhow, what I can say in closing is that change is constant and our truths change over time. Hence, life is full of riddles waiting to be discovered.

And to be able to slowly inch our way closer to those truths we will be free!

LIFE’S CRUCIAL MOMENTS

2009-03-26T02:07:00.000-07:00

We are beasts of wants and needs. The recent crisis is a good example of how greed pushes everyone over the edge.

We don’t stop wanting more and more of something. We promise we stop but we keep breaking it. Man is never content.

When I was in college all I wanted was to be a barista of Starbucks or an ordinary hotel staff. I didn’t want to take on bigger responsibilities. I already felt content about becoming a rank and file employee and earn meagre income. To be able to afford a signature shirt that’s about US$ 10 or so already suffices.

Of course, it goes without saying that presently I have surpassed my college goals a hundred fold. But despite that I still keep asking for more.

My personal life is not even spared from our chronic desire to want more after having more.

After a few failed attempts at keeping a relationship to last long, I have figured that if I continue to submit myself to my excessive tendencies I will never attain that point of satisfaction. I will never be in a long-lasting relationship. I will never realize that dream of being with someone for as long as my life lasts. I know that nothing stays forever but the memories you create within a meaningful and unselfish commitment is ephemeral.

What is the dilemma this time, Mike?

I strongly feel that this year has posed crucial moments in my life.

I can see a major life-altering decision to be made.

It’s not that I have not done any before but the people involved are subjects that fit well into my criteria.

Could it be anyone of them?

I will know when I am already there.

The synopsis: I have known two men who are equally desirable and both have their own merits. Either which way, it will provide a serious commitment. And I feel certain that things will work out at a different level.

The concern: What should be my main basis for making a decision?

The difference: I involuntarily want to conceal this story from my family and close friends. Unlike in previous years everybody would know my every move. It becomes public knowledge. However, this time around I am not keen in sharing this information to everyone. I just felt it so unnecessary. Why only this time?

Probably a dormant part of me has awaken and this part is the one that will make me be man enough to stand up for what I believe in. I am not so good with making sacrifices. I value my career more than anything else. Anyhow, at the end of the day, I would fret at the thought that I have not really made much progress with my personal life.

Striking a balance is not easy. Nevertheless, if I keep on procrastinating my plans then when will I ever let things happen?

I want to change the course of my life.

I hope this time will be the right time.

Eggbert’s Gay Chronicles

2009-02-18T09:30:00.000-08:00

My name is Eggbert and no pun is intended in my name’s conception.

I chose that name because I am always drawn to English-sounding names. It is chick!

I have been living this gay life for almost 34 years now and happy to be one.

In my generation, homosexuality was seen as a biological disease or a societal defect or a violation of spiritual order according to Christianity. I grew up aware that I was different from every male around me. Reserved, timid, introverted and shy, every childhood straight playmate would poke fun at me and call me gay.

Based on the accounts of my parents and my babysitters, when I was a child I would always call out the words, Herpin and Tutay. Those were my slangs for hairpin and suklay or comb respectively. Could I be outright judged to be gay when I have no recollection of what I mumbled when I was a kid?

My folks being unguided or uninformed about what being gay is all about, like everybody else in my generation, I grew up so absorbed about rejection in school, in my neighbourhood and in my family. I was cloaked in fear and hearing the word gay from my peers was synonymous to banishment.

But none of this dread kept me from moving forward as if nature had already intended the gay-hood path.

When I started in grade school, I had sporadic and brief sexual experiences. As far as I can remember, my first contact with a foreign male genital was when I was around 10 years old with my bosom friend. We were playing hide and seek and ended up hiding underneath a bench. It was not something borne out of our desire to be sexually intimate as we were so young. It was an exploration. But I was already aware that what I was doing was something I would lap up in my adulthood. For my friend, it was plainly a game. We did 69.

Several other encounters with him and other boys followed with the same goal of simply “discovering ourselves”. Perhaps, the main question I’d like to put forward is: Why did I already feel attracted to him?

In a little before high school, things became more different and conspicuous. Boys talk more about how this white and slimy matter came out of their manhood, how they steal porn magazines and videos from their father’s closet and other carnal businesses. It was the height of feeding our curiosity. Boys were on the verge of becoming sexually active teenagers. By its own merit, my sexual fantasies had heightened and the need for sex with other guys increased.

I had several crushes in school and regularly dreamt of intimate moments. Wet dreams were common. Whenever my male classmates go for a masturbation or porn-movie session I would join them. I couldn’t wait to see how big their tools were.

Back in my backyard, there was this guy named Brian who was very straight and I adored him so much. He used to reject me and get physical about it if need be. I was beaten and hurt. But I never stopped adoring him. The more he showed his masculine superiority the more I was drawn to him. At about the same time, I also met Eric, a very handsome short and stocky guy. They were all crazy about BMX bikes and they go in groups at night like drag racers on drugs. I would be waiting outside our house from 7:00pm until about midnight just to catch a glimpse of the group especially Brian and Eric.

Eventually, I became close to Eric and Brian and it came to a point that my fantasies were finally realized and had my first real sexual encounter – aware, feeling it and enjoying it like never before. I was their regular slave boy who would give them blowjobs when they’re hungry for lust. Man! That was the craziest part of my teenage life! We had sex in the staircase, in their parent’s room, in the sprawling football field at night, in the public toilet and behind the big barrels in gasoline stations. It was thrilling and fun.

In school I also had similar encounters. I met a few older teenagers who coaxed me into having sex with them. I would eagerly hold or stroke my classmates’ penises in secret inside the class. I was even treated like a girl by some wrapping their arms around me in a desolate place or being sweet to me like I was their “girlfriend”. However, I wasn’t emotionally prepared at that time and all I wanted was just to seize every moment to please guys for my own contentment.

In 1993, I moved out of my hometown to attend college at the University of the Philippines in Luzon. Things have drastically changed. My priorities shifted and I was a grades-freak. My classmates eventually called me a walking book. Surprisingly, my college life wasn’t so homosexually exciting as in high school. I did have crushes and fantasies and maintained my masturbation routine like any straight male would. However, I never had a single encounter in the five years I have spent in the university. Strangely, whenever someone displays sexual advances I would tremble badly that they would abort the mission. I was confused.

In 1997 I finished college in flying colours and went home to establish our home bakery business. I was a more informed person and wise enough to make a brave stand for things that I believe in. I felt more superior and capable. When I turned 21, I finally opened up to my mother that I was gay. It was one of the most difficult moments but turned things around for good. And it all happened when I became emotionally involved with a man whose name was John. He made me accept for who I was.

John paved the way to my discovery of love and male-to-male relationships. He made me feel okay about living out my life as gay. Though we didn’t last long, it was the awakening time. John always remained a good friend and even up to now we stay in touch.

During those years I was becoming more and more emotionally vulnerable. I fell in love with several men and was willing to give up anything I had in the name of love. My expeditions involved travelling to Dumaguete, Cebu and Siquijor. I knew my family, especially my mother, were already concerned about my wanderings but I ignored their feelings. My feelings were a priority.

I met different people from all walks of life – college students, businessmen, fags, straight-acting people, confused gays (or bisexuals) and even con men. Thanks to MIRC – an Internet relay chat application. It was the most popular communication software at that time before Yahoo Messenger, MSN and other popular applications arrived. The Internet was relatively new and everyone was crazy about it. I would stay up late everyday in pursuit of finding Mr. Right – although some turned out to be Mr. Right Now.

In the first quarter of 1999 I met a special person. In fact, he was a very special one by the name of Anthony. He was short, seven years senior and bright. He would become my partner of a challenging gay relationship that lasted for half a decade.

It was a whirlwind romance and I left our family business for him. My mother cried like she lost a son. I was too consumed with my feelings for Anthony that none of those sentiments affected me. I was a bird ready to leave the nest.

I arrived in Cagayan de Oro City with high hopes. At last! Living this gay life with someone who swept my feet off the ground. I have imaginings of all sorts - a relationship guided by perfection and Hollywood movies. I dreamt of the impossible. I pushed boundaries. Many of our friends praised our relationship like a model couple.

I stayed with Anthony’s family and I looked after myself well when he had to be away to work in another island. It was awkward, of course. His family were devout Christians. I was well accepted, nonetheless, as their youngest brother. But I was pretty sure that they had some big questions about me. But I always use my baking savvy to soften their hearts and win their trust. It was always my ready ammunition. It has 101% success rate.

As Anthony was in another place, I secured a position at a long-established company, which was my first real employment. With my position in the IT Department, which lent unlimited access to the Internet, I made friends with several other gay men through the chat room, with and without my partner’s knowledge. I was very curious about the different experiences awaiting every gay man in his early 20’s in a busy city. While I remained loyal to Anthony, I became egoistic. I arranged secret meetings especially with those who were so keen when I found out that I was a hot item in the market. Unmistakably, I ended up having many suitors. I was basking in attention. Flowers, chocolates and gifts would be sent to my office.

Anthony finally returned home for good after about a year or so. He eventually knew of the evil business I was doing. We always had serious fights. Realizing that I couldn’t be stopped, contrary to his feelings, he allowed our relationship to be open. Through me, I made Anthony do things that violated my very principles of a sound relationship. We did threesomes and foursomes. We met different guys at random. I pulled the trigger! That was his only way of keeping me by dancing with my tunes.

It came to a point when I already questioned my relationship with Anthony that he was being unfair and not doing his part well. He was the bad guy. This became the impetus for the birth of many other fleeting relationships within our relationship. Albeit, there was never a chance that I left Anthony for someone else. I believe I was still scared of losing him because he was the only who provided me unconditional love.

If relationships were pearls, I could have strewn them all into a nice piece of necklace. I never wanted to be single.

The day of reckoning arrived when I flew to Manila leaving Anthony broken-hearted, bitter and in disdain. My friends said he drastically lost weight and looking so distressed. It didn’t appear to me at that time how numb I was to Anthony’s feelings. I thought it was about a restless guy who wanted to leave his cage and seek more of what can be sought. My needs were far too important than loving Anthony.

In many ways, Manila is haven to the most open homosexual lifestyle in the Philippines. Gay bars abound and gays of every colour were tolerated. A life of their own existed without fear of social bashing. Having a population by the hundred thousands, the gay population was a significant number. Even during that time, gay-related activities and gay-oriented places were plentiful and forthcoming. As of late, since the past five years that I was absent from the gay melting pot that is Malate, I was so surprised to see how the population has grown and how more open the gays were. It was a sight!

And I had an issue at that time.

I was living in denial about my real needs against what I overtly desire.

I was very good in painting a good picture of myself effortlessly gaining the hearts of many people. I was holding a flashing banner that says: I am your next perfect partner.

Deep inside I was craving for regular encounters with handsome men regardless of my existing commitments. Maybe having a commitment was just for show so I wouldn’t be called a slut. I had fantasies waiting to be realized. Was I even dreaming that I want to be like Evita Peron luxuriating in the glory of life? It doesn’t differ me from any philandering homosexual.

However, whenever I was left to myself I felt sad and empty. My desires were contradictory. I couldn’t choose which way to go. I just selfishly wanted them all in one gulp.

In 2005 my life took a major leap. After I got myself convinced to leave my friends and family behind I had the first taste of working overseas. And not only that, it was primarily to realize my calling for chef-hood. All things being more different in my home country and with the newfound responsibilities and obligations, I worked hard to earn a living and worked my way up. I became well focused with my goals in life and acknowledged my weaknesses and strengths. And for the longest time, I became single for three years.

There were insignificant encounters along the way. My libido had somehow declined. What kept me busy instead was beefing up my skills and actively helped my family in terms of monetary support. My professional network was growing and the last thing I knew I was always hopping from one country to another: Dubai, New Zealand, Fiji, Australia, China, New York and Maldives.

In the last six years abroad, my independence shaped me into becoming a more mature, strong, responsible and wise person. I became very comfortable with my gay persona but surprisingly behaved in a more straight fashion. I didn’t have to exert much effort to integrate into any crowd. The only repercussion: more females will desire you. Of course, I have nothing against women but if you were an eligible male I’d prefer that.

Also, during those times, I have learned to acknowledge my shortcomings and take stock of what I can really provide emotionally. I have had two relationships with foreign men and the trend seemed to point to an unsure partnership. I had issues regarding keeping one because I was always on the move. There were times though that I wanted to settle down and be with my partner for as long as it lasts. However, I still have so many years ahead of me to enjoy life and fatten my wallet. I have obligations back home and I am just not ready yet to give up the most part of my career.

In the recent years, I had a few sexual encounters. It seemed I couldn’t be bothered if I ended up zero. Although when I was in China I was engrossed with escort services. Who wouldn’t be tempted? The guys were so hot! If I was only tending myself, I would have spent a fortune on them. But it was part of my experience as an adult – never scared to try new things.

Life goes on for Eggbert. Life is a journey and tomorrow or next I may have a change of heart or I totally adopt a new belief in life.

Nobody can tell.

What’s important is that I am living my life as a responsible homosexual. And with the way things are, I don’t want to be alone in this world. It’s now a matter of when and with whom my life will rest on for good (or for the moment?).

Names have been altered to protect their identity. It is the intention of the writer to provide an honest account of Eggbert’s homosexual meanderings. May this be a source of valuable information.

Masseur Adventure

2008-09-22T00:58:00.000-07:00

I have this guilt feeling for being slowly addicted to the male massage service in Beijing.

It started as a real need to de-stress that turned out to be habit-forming. The massages I have had were all awesome except for one that I paid a high price for. And it involved a guy in his late twenties who is irresistible and lured me to my weakness.

Being in a relationship, going into a sensual adventure with a masseur when my partner is away is something to really fret about. I have tried to put a stop to it but so far it has been unsuccessful. My secondary consideration is the money involved. It doesn't cost cheap! I could have spent that money somewhere more worthwhile. BUT, after working so hard in this trying place you have the urge to reward yourself with excesses.

I just rang up the gay outcall service a few minutes ago and here I am exploring my thoughts and feelings about this adventure while waiting for my masseur to arrive. My iBook is my trusty confidante. It knows what lurks behind my so-called angelic nature to many.

I always fancy men laying their hands on my body and doing sensual strokes here and there until you lose it! Some of them, like the one I just called up, are purely for sex more than anything else. However, I insisted that I be given a massage only so they won't charge me the full amount of 800 RMB.

My partner will surely freak out when he learns of my hidden meanderings. Although it is just pure out of curiosity and the idea of luxury, it is still inexcusable. I already set out a big plan for my partner and myself so we could live a happy life together. And here I am engaging in some secret business that is dishonest and disloyal.

I easily blow up things into bigger proportions cracking my head with pangs of conscience. I could well take this adventure as just a rite of passage being new to Beijing and the covert gay businesses flourishing around town that I have never tried in my gay life. A proper mind-setting and some mantras could help alleviate the psychological impact of what I am engaging in. Guilt is just a difficult thing for me to bear. I can't lie. I am not good at it.

Well, in a few minutes the masseur will arrive and who knows how we will turn out to be. I am assured that he will be handsome and irresistible like the guy before. But I would like to do my homework after this and beg myself not to do it again. It is silly for me having a partner who loves me 101%.

Now let me answer the door....

The New Beijinger

2008-04-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

After two tumultuous weeks in Fiji Islands, I finally got my Visa and flew in to Beijing the following day.

Due to the upcoming Olympics, Beijing has put so many restrictions and revised their policies altogether - to the foreigners dismay.

I arrived in the evening and thought I landed in the world's biggest airport. Unfortunately, I figured out that the airport was the old one because of the discolored structure. My flight wasn't a good one at all - it was a generally bumpy 14 hour ride from Nadi to Seoul and Seoul to Beijing.

I was welcomed by my new colleagues who made sure I felt comfortable in my first night. The accommodation provided wasn't up to everyone's standards and they were apologetic about it. Nevertheless, it provided the basics: a bed, a toilet and, of course, a free internet line.

Beijing turned out to be a place that I will love despite the pollution and the language barrier. I don't see any of those as that serious as what other people would like to put it. I believe that Beijing has its own character and must be respected. Since I was up for a new adventure, I referred to my travel guide that was given to me by a dear friend back in Fiji. It was a big help because I was able to get around Beijing on my second day. I was also very pleased to have chosen a well-recommended restaurant for dinner. If you are new, the trick here is to get the addresses of the places you are going to written in chinese in a piece of paper. Flash it to the driver and he will sort it out for you. Just make sure you know how to say LEFT TURN, RIGHT TURN, STRAIGHT AHEAD and RIGHT HERE PLEASE. The pronunciations are not easy but can be learned of course. Do a little bit of charade and you'll get your message across.

The stark difference between Fiji people and China people is the friendliness. Here in Beijing you will hardly get that warm smile and heartfelt greetings when you meet a local. Everyone doesn't seem to be bothered at all. Although if you are a foreigner and markedly "alien" looking you end up being stared at many times. My Filipino friend told me that at a far-flung school he was teaching at the grade school students would ask him to sign on their notebooks. Strange isn't it?

Settling in is not a big problem for me because I felt very much at ease. I find the culture vibrant and the language very interesting. I tried to learn as many chinese phrases as I can that will eventually make my work here a lot easier in the coming months. What I find difficult are the different pinyin stresses. Just a slight variation in the rise and fall of the tone and you will be completely gibberish. Listen closely and talk to the locals more often than fully rely on books.

I was able to get a decent and good-sized apartment after 5 days. It is overlooking the Chaoyang Park - said to be Asia's biggest park. Still unverified, I won't disclaim it outright because it is indeed very expansive. And Beijing is a very large space. You can put the biggest structures here.

I love my apartment despite the minor issues I had in the beginning. I have cleaned up my kitchen and bathroom and later will organize my bedroom and living room. I realized how hard it will be to maintain it by myself so I need an ayi to help me with the chores. Household help is called ayi in China. I had a Chinese ayi once and we couldn't communicate properly. In fairness to her, she was very kind-hearted and pleasant. However, she wasn't thorough in cleaning up. So, I decided to get a Filipino ayi. We Filipinos know our cleaning jobs well. That will give me peace of mind and more satisfaction.

The other thing that I am dealing with right now is gaining a good mix of friends - gay and straight alike. At the moment, it is a little tricky because I am cautious in getting close to the Chinese gay people. I don't know what they are made up of. Although I have already met three people, I couldn't confidently declare I have found the comfort zone yet. But in saying that, I have had a house guest a few days back. Surprisingly he was Filipino. I hardly meet up with Filipinos wherever I go to. I love our breed but it is the attitude that puts me off. However, this guy is more than what I could bargain for. For some reason, he made me want to be very intimate with him. But yet again, I was unlucky - he was here on a holiday. Despite the brief meetings I treasured whatever transpired. If only he was here to stay, he could have been the ONE.

The coming months and year(s) will be a great challenge. However, I feel very prepared and confident. I will be a Beijinger.

Uncertain...

2008-04-05T12:56:00.000-07:00

I had a very wonderful evening yesterday. I would like to think it was the best farewell party I ever had throughout the week.

Yes, I had a series of send-off gatherings since Monday of last week sponsored by different groups of people: culinary staff, expatriates, my bakers, my friends and last night my mandara spa family.

Despite the inconvenience the delay of my flight has caused, I am also thankful that I have been able to spend quality time with people who care for and love you. It makes you realize that you have indeed touched many people's hearts. I thought I didn't create enough ripples to make my existence in Fiji something to cherish for.

I can't help feeling lucky. Feeling thankful to my family for raising me to be a very pleasant person. Feeling proud and gratified that I have become part of other people's lives.

On that note, I also want to appreciate a few people who have really wanted to share their lives with me. People who have shown desire to make me a part of them. People who are true to their feelings and willing to try a little harder or take the extra mile to find joy.

My career is well-chartered. However, my personal life is indefinite.

Uncertain...

Lo! We must not dwell upon something that only leads to despair. That is the last thing a fighter would ever want to happen in his life.

I know my mum has always wished that before she leaves this world she will see me in great satisfaction and happiness with someone. I believe everyone in our family does hope for the same being the youngest child who has made his visions come to life. I made their dreams come true through me. I always replay in my mind what my mum said to me one night: "the reason why I kept going in this life is because of you - you inspire me".

Consequently, I would like to say "thanks, Miguel" for making my heart skip a beat again. It has been ages since I felt that. It brings back hope.

Some revelations: Is sex bad?

2008-04-01T14:48:00.001-07:00

Having been raised in a Catholic community, the appreciation of sex is very much confined within religious contexts.

Promiscuity is viewed as the devil's work and much more so if you are gay - you will be satan yourself.

However, my travels abroad have gradually changed my perception of sex although I still remain reluctant in some areas like having multiple partners or orgy-mongering. My religion-bound upbringing still influences my decisions.

Nevertheless, I have some revelations to tell about my sex life. In whatever way you view it, you may either post your comments here or just keep it to yourself.

One thing I want to be clear about is that I am not your ever-horny guy who needs a shag so often that he will have a bad day if he doesn't get one. With or without it I still feel adequate in my sex life. The hand remains my best friend in times of need.

I have tried threesome when I was in my mid 20's. It was a novel activity for me and I did enjoy it for a couple of times. The only drawback I found was how to synchronize everyone so nobody will be left behind. At some point you will feel awkward if you are getting more pleasure than the others. Well, if you are very appealing compared to the other two then it works to your advantage. But I don't like inequitable distribution of pleasure. I didn't engage in threesome anymore after that.

Is having sex with a muscular and good-looking guy your fantasy? I believe it is everybody's. It is a wonderful feeling if someone with Adonis' characteristics craves for you. My only complaint is as much as it is pleasurable and realizes your fantasies you don't want to get attached as you would surely be on the losing end. Being very romantic and sweet, I find this really difficult to deal with. I can't help forming a bond.

My experiences have become varied when I left the country. I used to be very conservative about my partner's nationality or race. However, my preference changed when I worked abroad. I have slept with guys of Indian, Pakistani, Kiwi, Slovakian, Irish, Australian, Swiss and Fijian decent. APPALLING? At this point your thoughts must be racing on the idea of STDs. Yes, it is a risky situation. However, I don't swing around like a care-free guy who doesn't think of his future. You must always be armed properly. The highlight of these encounters is that you will learn that whatever the race or nationality the sexual act remains the same.

Just a quick disclaimer: I don't have sex that often in my life as it so appears. These accounts are spread out over eight years. In between, I had serious relationships that have shaped a balanced and healthy appreciation of sex.

Having said that, my ultimate realization is: "there is no greater feeling than MAKING LOVE with someone".

If you invite me for sex for the sake of it, it will take some time before you can coax me into getting into bed with you - if you catch me in the right mood. I don't feel that rush with just anyone whom I don't have a connection to however good looking or wealthy you are. In the same token, I'd rather cuddle with you than doing it all the way down. And if I have formed a bond with you then I take it from there. I don't get a hard on that easily. I must be enamored with you.

SEX isn't bad as what religion has taught us. It is about how you manage your sexual desires and making sure it doesn't dictate your actions. Rather, you must be in control. This is where you draw the line between being promiscuous and expressing your sexual desires. Sex is good because it strips you down to your basic form - you are a human being not too far apart from the rest of the animal kingdom.

Why do we do it only when it is almost over?

2008-03-31T14:57:00.000-07:00

To celebrate my remaining days here in Fiji I go out with my colleagues almost on a daily basis.

It is like experiencing Fiji for the first time witnessing fire dancing performed by cute girls and really yummy young guys, snorkeling in the deep that scared the hell out of me, lazing in the hammock and watch people wading ashore, going out for yumcha on a Sunday, and swimming in the night in our neighboring hotel.

There is so much fun going on and it made me wish I had done it long time ago. Well, I am always in that position when I am just counting my remaining days. Isn't it odd?

Why don't we see these things before? Surely, it would have helped build up an interesting life especially when you feel marooned in a foreign land. I hate making promises these days so here is hoping that in China I will be able to change the pattern. There is so much history in Beijing and failing to appreciate its rich heritage is a mortal sin.

What else is left for me to do? I will definitely miss out on sky diving. I have long wanted to do it. How about doing it in China instead? Not bad. I have already done parasailing so there is a close semblance...hehehehe!

I am officially a tourist of Fiji since Monday. Time is on my side. It is now a matter of trying to get my butt out of my seat and do something outdoors.

Bye South Pacific!

2008-03-04T20:24:00.001-08:00

Finally it has sunken deeply that I am leaving in a month's time.

Many tumultuous events transpired since the beginning of the year from being dragged into deception, finding a new love interest and meeting up with an old special friend.

At this point I am in a very emotional state. There is this feeling of love and hopelessness, joy and sadness, triumph and guilt.

In a short span of time, I am caught in this web of experience that will make my leaving the beautiful islands of Fiji a little bit harder.

Catching up with an old special friend is not in my option. However, I can't help not seeing him for the last time. Now my heart is beating again. I know that I still love him and it is enough evidence of my undying love for someone. Feelings are fleeting for most of us. Mine didn't just go away like that.

I had a long discussion with my boss who I despised for a while when all this brouhaha happened between two significant people. I was caught in between and my loyalty swang from side to side. But in the end I returned to where my respect and trust really belongs - my boss.

My staffs and colleagues hardly believe I am going in 30 days. It wasn't expected. They wouldn't expect it because I was always happy about my life and work here in Fiji. My colleagues have already began planning for my farewell soiree.

There is a new life out there waiting for me and it is bigger than life itself. I have been in Dubai for over a year but that was almost two years ago. I will be in an unchartered course bereft with challenges.

Sigh!

I know things will change as I move to China. New people to deal with, new vision, new environment and hopefully new lifestyle.

If anything, what I desire from God right now is to allow these feelings of love to be replaced with something more easy for me to manage. I need someone to usurp it.

On Valentine's Day: What has love got to do with it?

2008-01-28T16:17:00.000-08:00

Guys and gals would smirk when I say what has your feeling go to do with your commitment?

Take it from a hopeless romantic like me whose personality is candy-coated.

I did believe once that relationships are just a function of one's feelings than anything else. When we feel strongly for somebody our heart gets pumping harder than usual. We feel pain, we feel anger, we feel utmost satisfaction. The enamored feelings skyrocket especially in the honeymoon stage. The promise of commitment is so steadfast we are willing to do stupid things in the name of love.

However, there is a point when the continuum starts to break. Then you ask: We saw nothing but heaven when we met but now we are in hell. What happened to our love?
But what has love got to do with it, really?

Feelings are like radio-waves. Like our moods, it sways from one side to the other. It is so unpredictable. And feelings are affected by so many factors it can change many times in one day. That being said, are our feelings that reliable?

I don't believe so.

However, there is one aspect about our being human that will spell the difference. Decissiveness!

Am I saying that love is a decision? YES.

I have heard this from my ex of five years and I didn't buy his story then.

Not until I have reached a point in my life wherein I started to question my own capacity to keep that lovin' feeling consistent every millisecond. Frustratingly, it doesn't stay strong all the time. Falling out of love may be hours away.

To decide that you want to love someone is the only key for lasting relationships. Once you make that decision, you will acknowledge the responsibility that goes with it then feelings will profess by itself. Your commitment will not anymore be dictated by the fleeting emotions but by the fact that you have made that decision and will abide by it.

It may sound too stern but think of a relationship as any type of commitments you make in your life: your job, your family, your friends and yourself. When you commit to any of those, you do make decisions, right? The same holds true for love.

That is probably the best reasoning of why the head is above the heart.

We think then we feel.

Although the only difference about love is that it gives us the greatest and highest form of happiness. Thus, deciding to love someone is the most important decision you will ever make.

So what love has really got to do with it?

Has someone ever used you and you thought it was love all along?

2008-01-11T00:52:00.000-08:00

Of Anger, Deceit and Love

Anger does not encourage rational thinking and can cause more harm than good. And at the height of anger, all you want is revenge and to annihilate the enemy if you can. I have the extreme tendency to extinguish something that incites my deepest outrage. Recognizing that, I don’t anymore strike while my head is still hot. I’ll just be regretful at the end of the day.

I have never been so angry in my life than with this guy who I met half a year ago. I don’t hold grudges but he almost prodded me to.

We entered into sort of a “relationship” that I later understood to be just a game that he wanted to play. Eight years younger than I am and amassed a considerable amount of wealth over a short period, he has everything at his disposal. His money gave him power.

Money was all he had to buy time, spend time and provide me with materials so he can be fed with attention and care. Sure enough, he did get that and more. I had given him almost my whole life so that his investments will be worthwhile. How he had managed to twist my perspective? I don’t know. All I am left with are questions that later on make me feel bad and furious. But I have now known better that people who use other people for self-gain do exist. And do not underestimate them because they know where and when to strike.

When I recount what happened in those grueling six months I sigh in disbelief. I just couldn’t believe that despite my good nature, good upbringing and good intentions someone would actually crush me without mercy. It isn’t fair. I am not angry at him or myself. I am angry at the opportunity that allowed it to happen.

When friends and folks alike ask me how my ex was, I expound right away what qualifies an ex since the word has already taken on a different meaning. A real ex is still a known factor in your history but the other X resembles a part of a mathematical equation of an unknown value. I have now totally discounted the fact that what he showed then was real love. Therefore, I wrote off that part of my history. No relationship existed.

No love can be deceitful or harmful. Love doesn’t take advantage of someone’s feelings. If anything, love is simply immaculate. Sometimes we believe that we feel love but we actually just needed something else. There are so many reasons why people have this inadequacy. And out of this lack of emotional well-being, we confuse ourselves with the need for love.

Although from time to time anger visits me I try to wake up each morning looking forward to new adventures that await me. Being marooned in this isolated paradise, uplifting your spirits takes a lot of effort and time. Even so, I have considered this year to have exceeded all my expectations.

One thing I have learned is to keep sowing a good seed even if the other person is spawning bad deeds to you. In the end, what you sow is what you reap.

Which way to go?

2008-01-02T19:51:00.000-08:00

Would you rather be a nomad or be able to spread your roots?

Sure, it would be fun to circle the globe and see different places. I am always a sucker for travelling. I grew up to be a restless guy who has the incessant desire to see the world.

Well, our wants and needs change over time, especially when we have already accomplished most of our goals. That is probably the reason why someone wrote the famous line: "Success is not a destination but a journey". When you reach a point, you desire to go to another point. It is unending.

I am probably not alone in this quest for the ultimate goal. I think everyone has heard of the classical "midlife crisis". Is it really a dilemma? I do believe so (otherwise I would not have started another blog just to highlight another milestone in my life - reaching the age of 32!)

Anyway, I am still deciding where to go next. Or rather where should I settle down? My home country is not in the list right now. It is not that I shun my native land but I just don't find any reason to live there. It will do as a vacation spot at the moment.

So I have finally narrowed down my choices into three:

Canada
New Zealand
Australia

It is too early to make a decision until I leave Fiji. I am still distraught and slightly messed up keeping the water murky. You wouldn't want to swim when you can't see what is in front of you, wouldn't you?

Few of my criteria in choosing those places are:

1.) Tolerance to sexual preferences (or support for the third sex)
2.) Quality of life
3.) Availability of opportunities in the Hospitality field
4.) Opportunity to find a partner

Does item four sound shallow? Well, I am just being honest of my desires. Who would want to live in a place where you hardly meet someone of the same kind? It is torture!!!

If you have a better suggestion, you may consider helping me out in this?

2008 Resolutions

2007-12-30T15:12:00.000-08:00

Everyone is now taking stock for the New Year. What do you have to resolve for 2008? (munch the macaron as you think).

It is still like staring on a blank wall up to now. I really don't know what I want to see in 2008 and what things must I improve on.

If anything, I just hope that next year will provide me better future prospects career-wise and personal life-wise.

Speaking of my profession, I will introduce more creative concepts into the workplace and provide more skills training to my staffs. There is a big need for skilled workers in this side of the world and I may be able to help bridge the gap by imparting my knowledge. Also, I have to do more research regarding the latest trends and technologies being used in the industry today. I am mostly self-taught in my craft (I rely on books) and the beauty of it is that the mistakes you make will make you a more learned person. Still, there is nothing like being trained by a maestro to cut short the learning curve.

Personally, I will need to fine-tune my desires and wants. I am still like water that follows every crack and hole. Water has no shape. It only assumes the void it fills. However, for certain, I want to be with someone to forge my future with and make decisions together. I definitely want more stability and by anchoring myself into a commitment it keeps my feet on the ground. There will be more sense of purpose. What is success for if no other person benefits from it?

And about opening myself up to anyone? I still feel comfortable being discreet. I don't feel the need to let more and more people know about my real identity unless if I am asked (and the person asking deserves to know the truth).

Finally, I pray for more peace and harmony in this world.

(the wall is not blank after all)

LIFE BEGINS AT 32?

2007-12-26T22:39:00.000-08:00

This is dedicated to a person who is capable of showing how really great it is to be in love.

I owe him many things in that he has lead me to another phase in life that is going to be more significant for me.

The gift of leading a meaningful life.

He did everything within his might.

(this may not provide justice to what has actually transpired but it is the essence that is important)

We are all beautiful in our own way

We reach several milestones in our life and this is no truer than how I would describe to you the eye-opening and continuing metamorphoses that I am undergoing as I turned 32.

I believe that we are all born wonderful people. Only that some circumstances in our life create bumps or bruises causing us to build a protective layer for our own survival. These coverings may not be to everyone’s liking but the true beautiful essence of the person remains hidden in his recesses. Some will find it again, some will lose it forever. At some point, we meet someone who we allow to enter into our lives.

Vulnerable as we are, he will slowly see those layers without us knowing it. And it is either he will show us the inner light again or he will make us put another layer above the other. This is how our life progresses. Everyone we meet has a purpose. This is the reason why relationships pose tough challenges because not all individuals have the wisdom to understand the presence of our essence.

Commitments, intimacy and first love

The story begins when I met a guy in the most unexpected way. He could be the most adorable guy I have laid my eyes on – charming, good-looking, young and most importantly a successful entrepreneur. He offered a commitment that was hard to refuse. Well, in the very beginning, something has already bound us together – the strong sexual and physical attraction. Hence, to accept his offer required no second-guessing. Although, I was still very much reserved wary of the outcome knowing that I was his first love. I believe that we all go through a “first love phase”. I was not expecting far more than a casual relationship.

Almost over a decade, I have been into a string of relationships beginning the age of 22. There was no gap in between. I was, of course, too happy to be in love all the time with all my potential candidates waiting in line. I don’t know how you would brand me but I just couldn’t get off the hook. But before that all happened, I met my first love in a karaoke bar (he caught me through a string of notes). Well, it wasn’t really a serious affair as I later realized. He was simply there when the day of awakening happened. Notwithstanding, the remnants of that fateful rendezvous are still evident today. I have the passion for music.

As I opened myself to this newfound life, I became the centre of attention among many guys – especially the older ones. I simply couldn’t accept anyone disliking me. Let me tell you that I am really good in expressing myself especially of my emotions. I even counsel those who are three or four generations ahead of me. I speak of love like a romance guru. And with my very amiable personality (and others say my looks, too), guys just love me because they see me capable of keeping up with the demands of a serious relationship. That is what they said.

He has been calling me every night like there is no tomorrow allowing himself to be immersed in that feeling of being loved. I would be on the phone until I hear him snoring. It is the sweetest thing to do. He would call me from his office and rains me with SMS. Even if he was in the midst of a busy business (I later understood that the word busy is an understatement) he made sure he stays in touch. We were becoming very intimate over a short span of time.

Symbolism

If there is one thing that I would identify as a catalyst in dissolving our commitment into what it is now, it would be the ring. The ring would be the biggest satisfaction that he would get signifying our unity as husband and wife – as he wants to put it. Having grown stingy over the years and losing interest in symbolism, I simply put aside its importance. It would later dictate the fate of our relationship, to my dismay.

In the past relationships I had, I was fond of things that would symbolize the union of two hearts. Pictures, cards, transcript of online conversations, songs, gifts and what have you. Over time, I have simply lost interest in them finding them insignificant and childish.

As months rolled, reality starts settling in. I would notice that he wasn’t that perfect at all. Much less, he wasn’t the Adonis I fantasize in my dreams. I foolishly even call him as Mr. Bean because of how his total character strikes – from how his thick eye brows meet to how his eyes roll and body fancily moves when he plays jokes. But the physical nature is not the basis of my relationship with him. In fact, I have learned to love his flaws because that what makes him who he is. My feelings have now sunken deeper into his soul like a bait helplessly pinned in a hook.

At some point, there was a brief hiatus in between in the sense that I have been physically and emotionally detached from him for a while. I travelled to New Zealand - a trip that I have so yearned for in life. I enjoyed myself like a kid would enjoy his first taste of ice cream. I savored my holiday as I could while trying to put up with his annoying bickering. He was really not happy about me leaving him for a week to start with. However, in moments of stillness it is him who occupies my mind.

When I returned home things have started to change. First of the grandest mistakes I did was not buying him a ring as I promised. I wasn’t earnest. Right there and then he has slowly began to build a space in between. He has grown more suspicious of my activities. His trust dwindled.

The jejune icing on the cake

Over time, he has changed so much that if he was a black forest cake, you couldn’t anymore tell if the cake is still made of real chocolate or that if there are cherries inside or if it is still black forest cake to begin with. I have grown confused unaccustomed to his new behavior. I longed for his old self and tried winning him back by doing things I normally didn’t see worth doing.

Weary, unhappy and unsatisfied, I decided to leave him to ease my agony and so I could still keep myself intact. I knew I was in a breaking point. But my attempts were futile. Later did I know I was already falling apart. We had terrible arguments on a regular basis hurting each other like poking red hot spears into each other’s flesh. I could hardly bear it that I lost my sense of reality. I was this famished bird aimlessly flying over the Pacific Ocean perturbed that at anytime I would plummet into the sea.

Looking back, I thought that I was so childish in my ways. There had to be a better way of handling it.

As the dust settled, our fate has finally taken a 180 degree shift. I began to feel the loss of what could have been a very happy relationship. All that I disliked about him turned into fondness. I just didn’t accept him openly. He has stopped dreaming of us. He lived by the day. And here I am painfully seeing and hearing him speak of his future. Just his own. I used to be part of the painting but I have been painted over. All that I could do is reliving the good moments as best as I could while reluctantly pushing him to continue with his own aspirations. And I wished that he could show to me again the things he had been doing from the start and this time with all my appreciation and undivided attention.

But even so, he is just so young. He still has many dreams to fulfill. He is at the height of his curiousity and self-exploration. My presence in his life will just complicate things for him. I remember him saying one time that he felt like I put him in a cage. At best, I know I have a purpose in his life that only he knows. He may not see it now or later but our memories have a way of rummaging through past experiences when we are in a state of enlightenment. I hope I have left a good mark in his life.

I know it is too late. Like a piece of porcelain, whatever that you have broken will leave indelible crack marks on the surface. However, should I continue to be remorseful? I can only wish that we could have just been friends and nothing else rather than going through those tumultuous times.

Of course, we both have been responsible for each other’s actions and I am not here to pass judgment on him. I am just going to say that my life’s direction has changed so much because of him. I would have never known myself any better with all honesty and sincerity if I never met him. He has opened a door that I have not peered in before. A door that will put me into a state of awakening. With an age difference of 8, his dreams are very vibrant and ambitious while mine is just about to make a turn to complete the circle. This brought me to the past again.

I fully remember when I had a five-year relationship many years back for it was the highlight amongst all my relationships combined. He was seven years older than I was. I was an idealist and wanted things the way romantic novels would describe a loving affair. I was consumed by my idea of the perfect love story. Needless to say, I was very much young then and it has never dawned upon me that my partner was already living a tormented life with my immature behavior and selfishness. Despite all the ill feelings, he still loved me as I was. I was very much different from him in many respects. Nonetheless, he loved me the same.

The higher purpose

I am now seeking a higher purpose and a sense of emotional stability. I have pictured a family with my own kids in it. When alone, I would look up the ceiling or out of the window imagining my own children running towards me calling me Papa. I wanted to share life with somebody for the rest of my life. My brother was too ecstatic to hear his younger brother speak of this desire. Only that I can’t help visualizing a woman with her image blurred with the man I so loved.

It is a very good trick indeed foretelling that marriage will not work for me.

In the end, I have found resolve by recognizing the very fact that I may have lost something but I have found a new path.

The Egg Hatches A Trail

2007-12-25T22:35:00.000-08:00

It is always easy to start something but it is hard to keep it going.

This applies to any decisions we make and instead of making promises I will say: "I will do my best to maintain my blog regularly".

2008 will be marked with more life-changing decisions for both my personal and professional meanderings.

For a couple of years now I have only focused on honing my skills as a pastry artist and it was very rewarding. However, now that I have reached a certain level of success, I am looking for balance. It is time to listen to the inner spirit.

I have realized that much of my inner spirit has not been well-cultivated. My emotional health, for one, is not in the pink. There are uncontrollable responses or impulses that are still premature which has led me to accept that I am not very much self-aware as I used to believe.

I believe that this happens when we see only one side of ourselves - for example, our professional life. Our successes in our job tend to cloud the inner being because we are consumed with great joy and fulfillment. Over time, we will start to feel bored and empty because our personal life has not been nurtured. Hence, this is where the concept of balance comes in.

My mother told me once that there is a stage in our life wherein we achieve more mental and emotional stability. She told me that I have come to that point in life right now. How does it actually feel? It feels like you have reached a final destination but you don't feel quite certain if this is all that really matters. As a result, you crave for more purpose and meaning. Material desires become less important.

I can only hope that this new trail will take me to some other destinations that will even be more fulfilling and rewarding.

If you beleive you can pick up some thoughts and lessons along my path I would welcome you to keep following me. Or you can pick up your pace a bit and walk alongside me. Whatever you wish to do, just pick up something from my track.