This is dedicated to a person who is capable of showing how really great it is to be in love. I owe him many things in that he has lead me to another phase in life that is going to be more significant for me. The gift of leading a meaningful life.He did everything within his might.(this may not provide justice to what has actually transpired but it is the essence that is important)We are all beautiful in our own wayWe reach several milestones in our life and this is no truer than how I would describe to you the eye-opening and continuing metamorphoses that I am undergoing as I turned 32.
I believe that we are all born wonderful people. Only that some circumstances in our life create bumps or bruises causing us to build a protective layer for our own survival. These coverings may not be to everyone’s liking but the true beautiful essence of the person remains hidden in his recesses. Some will find it again, some will lose it forever. At some point, we meet someone who we allow to enter into our lives.
Vulnerable as we are, he will slowly see those layers without us knowing it. And it is either he will show us the inner light again or he will make us put another layer above the other. This is how our life progresses. Everyone we meet has a purpose. This is the reason why relationships pose tough challenges because not all individuals have the wisdom to understand the presence of our essence.
Commitments, intimacy and first loveThe story begins when I met a guy in the most unexpected way. He could be the most adorable guy I have laid my eyes on – charming, good-looking, young and most importantly a successful entrepreneur. He offered a commitment that was hard to refuse. Well, in the very beginning, something has already bound us together – the strong sexual and physical attraction. Hence, to accept his offer required no second-guessing. Although, I was still very much reserved wary of the outcome knowing that I was his first love. I believe that we all go through a “first love phase”. I was not expecting far more than a casual relationship.
Almost over a decade, I have been into a string of relationships beginning the age of 22. There was no gap in between. I was, of course, too happy to be in love all the time with all my potential candidates waiting in line. I don’t know how you would brand me but I just couldn’t get off the hook. But before that all happened, I met my first love in a karaoke bar (he caught me through a string of notes). Well, it wasn’t really a serious affair as I later realized. He was simply there when the day of awakening happened. Notwithstanding, the remnants of that fateful rendezvous are still evident today. I have the passion for music.
As I opened myself to this newfound life, I became the centre of attention among many guys – especially the older ones. I simply couldn’t accept anyone disliking me. Let me tell you that I am really good in expressing myself especially of my emotions. I even counsel those who are three or four generations ahead of me. I speak of love like a romance guru. And with my very amiable personality (and others say my looks, too), guys just love me because they see me capable of keeping up with the demands of a serious relationship. That is what they said.
He has been calling me every night like there is no tomorrow allowing himself to be immersed in that feeling of being loved. I would be on the phone until I hear him snoring. It is the sweetest thing to do. He would call me from his office and rains me with SMS. Even if he was in the midst of a busy business (I later understood that the word busy is an understatement) he made sure he stays in touch. We were becoming very intimate over a short span of time.
SymbolismIf there is one thing that I would identify as a catalyst in dissolving our commitment into what it is now, it would be the ring. The ring would be the biggest satisfaction that he would get signifying our unity as husband and wife – as he wants to put it. Having grown stingy over the years and losing interest in symbolism, I simply put aside its importance. It would later dictate the fate of our relationship, to my dismay.
In the past relationships I had, I was fond of things that would symbolize the union of two hearts. Pictures, cards, transcript of online conversations, songs, gifts and what have you. Over time, I have simply lost interest in them finding them insignificant and childish.
As months rolled, reality starts settling in. I would notice that he wasn’t that perfect at all. Much less, he wasn’t the Adonis I fantasize in my dreams. I foolishly even call him as Mr. Bean because of how his total character strikes – from how his thick eye brows meet to how his eyes roll and body fancily moves when he plays jokes. But the physical nature is not the basis of my relationship with him. In fact, I have learned to love his flaws because that what makes him who he is. My feelings have now sunken deeper into his soul like a bait helplessly pinned in a hook.
At some point, there was a brief hiatus in between in the sense that I have been physically and emotionally detached from him for a while. I travelled to New Zealand - a trip that I have so yearned for in life. I enjoyed myself like a kid would enjoy his first taste of ice cream. I savored my holiday as I could while trying to put up with his annoying bickering. He was really not happy about me leaving him for a week to start with. However, in moments of stillness it is him who occupies my mind.
When I returned home things have started to change. First of the grandest mistakes I did was not buying him a ring as I promised. I wasn’t earnest. Right there and then he has slowly began to build a space in between. He has grown more suspicious of my activities. His trust dwindled.
The jejune icing on the cakeOver time, he has changed so much that if he was a black forest cake, you couldn’t anymore tell if the cake is still made of real chocolate or that if there are cherries inside or if it is still black forest cake to begin with. I have grown confused unaccustomed to his new behavior. I longed for his old self and tried winning him back by doing things I normally didn’t see worth doing.
Weary, unhappy and unsatisfied, I decided to leave him to ease my agony and so I could still keep myself intact. I knew I was in a breaking point. But my attempts were futile. Later did I know I was already falling apart. We had terrible arguments on a regular basis hurting each other like poking red hot spears into each other’s flesh. I could hardly bear it that I lost my sense of reality. I was this famished bird aimlessly flying over the Pacific Ocean perturbed that at anytime I would plummet into the sea.
Looking back, I thought that I was so childish in my ways. There had to be a better way of handling it.
As the dust settled, our fate has finally taken a 180 degree shift. I began to feel the loss of what could have been a very happy relationship. All that I disliked about him turned into fondness. I just didn’t accept him openly. He has stopped dreaming of us. He lived by the day. And here I am painfully seeing and hearing him speak of his future. Just his own. I used to be part of the painting but I have been painted over. All that I could do is reliving the good moments as best as I could while reluctantly pushing him to continue with his own aspirations. And I wished that he could show to me again the things he had been doing from the start and this time with all my appreciation and undivided attention.
But even so, he is just so young. He still has many dreams to fulfill. He is at the height of his curiousity and self-exploration. My presence in his life will just complicate things for him. I remember him saying one time that he felt like I put him in a cage. At best, I know I have a purpose in his life that only he knows. He may not see it now or later but our memories have a way of rummaging through past experiences when we are in a state of enlightenment. I hope I have left a good mark in his life.
I know it is too late. Like a piece of porcelain, whatever that you have broken will leave indelible crack marks on the surface. However, should I continue to be remorseful? I can only wish that we could have just been friends and nothing else rather than going through those tumultuous times.
Of course, we both have been responsible for each other’s actions and I am not here to pass judgment on him. I am just going to say that my life’s direction has changed so much because of him. I would have never known myself any better with all honesty and sincerity if I never met him. He has opened a door that I have not peered in before. A door that will put me into a state of awakening. With an age difference of 8, his dreams are very vibrant and ambitious while mine is just about to make a turn to complete the circle. This brought me to the past again.
I fully remember when I had a five-year relationship many years back for it was the highlight amongst all my relationships combined. He was seven years older than I was. I was an idealist and wanted things the way romantic novels would describe a loving affair. I was consumed by my idea of the perfect love story. Needless to say, I was very much young then and it has never dawned upon me that my partner was already living a tormented life with my immature behavior and selfishness. Despite all the ill feelings, he still loved me as I was. I was very much different from him in many respects. Nonetheless, he loved me the same.
The higher purposeI am now seeking a higher purpose and a sense of emotional stability. I have pictured a family with my own kids in it. When alone, I would look up the ceiling or out of the window imagining my own children running towards me calling me Papa. I wanted to share life with somebody for the rest of my life. My brother was too ecstatic to hear his younger brother speak of this desire. Only that I can’t help visualizing a woman with her image blurred with the man I so loved.
It is a very good trick indeed foretelling that marriage will not work for me.
In the end, I have found resolve by recognizing the very fact that I may have lost something but I have found a new path.
