How much do you know yourself?
I really wonder if a significant number of the global population really know themselves 100%.
Based on my own experience, I have started taking stock of my own attitudes, feelings, wants, tendencies and biases in my late twenties. And even then I have not acknowledged the truth of those discoveries until some two years ago.
I believe that by failing to accept our truths we will have a hard time moving on with our lives. It will be akin to a life lived in denial.
Maybe some people just need to avoid confronting their own fears because it reminds them of very hurtful feelings. It reminds them that they are still haunted by the past and are not ready to face it.
But what keeps us from coming to terms with these experiences? Haven’t we learned from the elders that the key to bliss and success is by fully accepting ourselves for who we are?
For the lack of explanation, we leave everything to reason. We submit ourselves to the mysteries of life. It is the easiest and safest scapegoat.
I have seen others who live life with freedom and whatever they do they don’t give a damn. They must have felt better than most of us. Although freedom comes with responsibilities I believe being able to set oneself free from the dictates of our norms and conventions makes one a truly free man. Life is more convenient if we follow what’s orthodox. We all want order, uniformity and compliance. Otherwise, wouldn’t life be chaotic?
If there is one thing I need to start embracing at this point it is the ability to be assertive. I think through unimpeded expression of oneself one can deal with his other weaknesses easily. It is like the mother ship of all. To be not in a grey area is the sweetest form of success. Life exists in duality: yes and no, left and right, top and bottom, hot and cold.
I am fully aware of the paths to take but still succumb to falling in the grey area. Why I don’t have enough courage to stand my ground? What am I really scared of? Is it about realizing that I am but a human being bereft with frailties like anybody else?
Maybe I am just trying too hard to project an image that is not so congruent to what is really deep inside. Maybe I am just afraid that if I lay bare my truths I will become less desirable.
Ah! It must be all about acceptance. The fear of rejection. The fear of embarrassment.
People rise and fall and people will never stop having opinions of others.
Since we can’t stop that – and that’s essentially the truth, we better live with it while keeping it from affecting the course of our lives.
Anyhow, what I can say in closing is that change is constant and our truths change over time. Hence, life is full of riddles waiting to be discovered.
And to be able to slowly inch our way closer to those truths we will be free!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
LIFE’S CRUCIAL MOMENTS
We are beasts of wants and needs. The recent crisis is a good example of how greed pushes everyone over the edge.
We don’t stop wanting more and more of something. We promise we stop but we keep breaking it. Man is never content.
When I was in college all I wanted was to be a barista of Starbucks or an ordinary hotel staff. I didn’t want to take on bigger responsibilities. I already felt content about becoming a rank and file employee and earn meagre income. To be able to afford a signature shirt that’s about US$ 10 or so already suffices.
Of course, it goes without saying that presently I have surpassed my college goals a hundred fold. But despite that I still keep asking for more.
My personal life is not even spared from our chronic desire to want more after having more.
After a few failed attempts at keeping a relationship to last long, I have figured that if I continue to submit myself to my excessive tendencies I will never attain that point of satisfaction. I will never be in a long-lasting relationship. I will never realize that dream of being with someone for as long as my life lasts. I know that nothing stays forever but the memories you create within a meaningful and unselfish commitment is ephemeral.
What is the dilemma this time, Mike?
I strongly feel that this year has posed crucial moments in my life.
I can see a major life-altering decision to be made.
It’s not that I have not done any before but the people involved are subjects that fit well into my criteria.
Could it be anyone of them?
I will know when I am already there.
The synopsis: I have known two men who are equally desirable and both have their own merits. Either which way, it will provide a serious commitment. And I feel certain that things will work out at a different level.
The concern: What should be my main basis for making a decision?
The difference: I involuntarily want to conceal this story from my family and close friends. Unlike in previous years everybody would know my every move. It becomes public knowledge. However, this time around I am not keen in sharing this information to everyone. I just felt it so unnecessary. Why only this time?
Probably a dormant part of me has awaken and this part is the one that will make me be man enough to stand up for what I believe in. I am not so good with making sacrifices. I value my career more than anything else. Anyhow, at the end of the day, I would fret at the thought that I have not really made much progress with my personal life.
Striking a balance is not easy. Nevertheless, if I keep on procrastinating my plans then when will I ever let things happen?
I want to change the course of my life.
I hope this time will be the right time.
We don’t stop wanting more and more of something. We promise we stop but we keep breaking it. Man is never content.
When I was in college all I wanted was to be a barista of Starbucks or an ordinary hotel staff. I didn’t want to take on bigger responsibilities. I already felt content about becoming a rank and file employee and earn meagre income. To be able to afford a signature shirt that’s about US$ 10 or so already suffices.
Of course, it goes without saying that presently I have surpassed my college goals a hundred fold. But despite that I still keep asking for more.
My personal life is not even spared from our chronic desire to want more after having more.
After a few failed attempts at keeping a relationship to last long, I have figured that if I continue to submit myself to my excessive tendencies I will never attain that point of satisfaction. I will never be in a long-lasting relationship. I will never realize that dream of being with someone for as long as my life lasts. I know that nothing stays forever but the memories you create within a meaningful and unselfish commitment is ephemeral.
What is the dilemma this time, Mike?
I strongly feel that this year has posed crucial moments in my life.
I can see a major life-altering decision to be made.
It’s not that I have not done any before but the people involved are subjects that fit well into my criteria.
Could it be anyone of them?
I will know when I am already there.
The synopsis: I have known two men who are equally desirable and both have their own merits. Either which way, it will provide a serious commitment. And I feel certain that things will work out at a different level.
The concern: What should be my main basis for making a decision?
The difference: I involuntarily want to conceal this story from my family and close friends. Unlike in previous years everybody would know my every move. It becomes public knowledge. However, this time around I am not keen in sharing this information to everyone. I just felt it so unnecessary. Why only this time?
Probably a dormant part of me has awaken and this part is the one that will make me be man enough to stand up for what I believe in. I am not so good with making sacrifices. I value my career more than anything else. Anyhow, at the end of the day, I would fret at the thought that I have not really made much progress with my personal life.
Striking a balance is not easy. Nevertheless, if I keep on procrastinating my plans then when will I ever let things happen?
I want to change the course of my life.
I hope this time will be the right time.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Eggbert’s Gay Chronicles
My name is Eggbert and no pun is intended in my name’s conception.
I chose that name because I am always drawn to English-sounding names. It is chick!
I have been living this gay life for almost 34 years now and happy to be one.
In my generation, homosexuality was seen as a biological disease or a societal defect or a violation of spiritual order according to Christianity. I grew up aware that I was different from every male around me. Reserved, timid, introverted and shy, every childhood straight playmate would poke fun at me and call me gay.
Based on the accounts of my parents and my babysitters, when I was a child I would always call out the words, Herpin and Tutay. Those were my slangs for hairpin and suklay or comb respectively. Could I be outright judged to be gay when I have no recollection of what I mumbled when I was a kid?
My folks being unguided or uninformed about what being gay is all about, like everybody else in my generation, I grew up so absorbed about rejection in school, in my neighbourhood and in my family. I was cloaked in fear and hearing the word gay from my peers was synonymous to banishment.
But none of this dread kept me from moving forward as if nature had already intended the gay-hood path.
When I started in grade school, I had sporadic and brief sexual experiences. As far as I can remember, my first contact with a foreign male genital was when I was around 10 years old with my bosom friend. We were playing hide and seek and ended up hiding underneath a bench. It was not something borne out of our desire to be sexually intimate as we were so young. It was an exploration. But I was already aware that what I was doing was something I would lap up in my adulthood. For my friend, it was plainly a game. We did 69.
Several other encounters with him and other boys followed with the same goal of simply “discovering ourselves”. Perhaps, the main question I’d like to put forward is: Why did I already feel attracted to him?
In a little before high school, things became more different and conspicuous. Boys talk more about how this white and slimy matter came out of their manhood, how they steal porn magazines and videos from their father’s closet and other carnal businesses. It was the height of feeding our curiosity. Boys were on the verge of becoming sexually active teenagers. By its own merit, my sexual fantasies had heightened and the need for sex with other guys increased.
I had several crushes in school and regularly dreamt of intimate moments. Wet dreams were common. Whenever my male classmates go for a masturbation or porn-movie session I would join them. I couldn’t wait to see how big their tools were.
Back in my backyard, there was this guy named Brian who was very straight and I adored him so much. He used to reject me and get physical about it if need be. I was beaten and hurt. But I never stopped adoring him. The more he showed his masculine superiority the more I was drawn to him. At about the same time, I also met Eric, a very handsome short and stocky guy. They were all crazy about BMX bikes and they go in groups at night like drag racers on drugs. I would be waiting outside our house from 7:00pm until about midnight just to catch a glimpse of the group especially Brian and Eric.
Eventually, I became close to Eric and Brian and it came to a point that my fantasies were finally realized and had my first real sexual encounter – aware, feeling it and enjoying it like never before. I was their regular slave boy who would give them blowjobs when they’re hungry for lust. Man! That was the craziest part of my teenage life! We had sex in the staircase, in their parent’s room, in the sprawling football field at night, in the public toilet and behind the big barrels in gasoline stations. It was thrilling and fun.
In school I also had similar encounters. I met a few older teenagers who coaxed me into having sex with them. I would eagerly hold or stroke my classmates’ penises in secret inside the class. I was even treated like a girl by some wrapping their arms around me in a desolate place or being sweet to me like I was their “girlfriend”. However, I wasn’t emotionally prepared at that time and all I wanted was just to seize every moment to please guys for my own contentment.
In 1993, I moved out of my hometown to attend college at the University of the Philippines in Luzon. Things have drastically changed. My priorities shifted and I was a grades-freak. My classmates eventually called me a walking book. Surprisingly, my college life wasn’t so homosexually exciting as in high school. I did have crushes and fantasies and maintained my masturbation routine like any straight male would. However, I never had a single encounter in the five years I have spent in the university. Strangely, whenever someone displays sexual advances I would tremble badly that they would abort the mission. I was confused.
In 1997 I finished college in flying colours and went home to establish our home bakery business. I was a more informed person and wise enough to make a brave stand for things that I believe in. I felt more superior and capable. When I turned 21, I finally opened up to my mother that I was gay. It was one of the most difficult moments but turned things around for good. And it all happened when I became emotionally involved with a man whose name was John. He made me accept for who I was.
John paved the way to my discovery of love and male-to-male relationships. He made me feel okay about living out my life as gay. Though we didn’t last long, it was the awakening time. John always remained a good friend and even up to now we stay in touch.
During those years I was becoming more and more emotionally vulnerable. I fell in love with several men and was willing to give up anything I had in the name of love. My expeditions involved travelling to Dumaguete, Cebu and Siquijor. I knew my family, especially my mother, were already concerned about my wanderings but I ignored their feelings. My feelings were a priority.
I met different people from all walks of life – college students, businessmen, fags, straight-acting people, confused gays (or bisexuals) and even con men. Thanks to MIRC – an Internet relay chat application. It was the most popular communication software at that time before Yahoo Messenger, MSN and other popular applications arrived. The Internet was relatively new and everyone was crazy about it. I would stay up late everyday in pursuit of finding Mr. Right – although some turned out to be Mr. Right Now.
In the first quarter of 1999 I met a special person. In fact, he was a very special one by the name of Anthony. He was short, seven years senior and bright. He would become my partner of a challenging gay relationship that lasted for half a decade.
It was a whirlwind romance and I left our family business for him. My mother cried like she lost a son. I was too consumed with my feelings for Anthony that none of those sentiments affected me. I was a bird ready to leave the nest.
I arrived in Cagayan de Oro City with high hopes. At last! Living this gay life with someone who swept my feet off the ground. I have imaginings of all sorts - a relationship guided by perfection and Hollywood movies. I dreamt of the impossible. I pushed boundaries. Many of our friends praised our relationship like a model couple.
I stayed with Anthony’s family and I looked after myself well when he had to be away to work in another island. It was awkward, of course. His family were devout Christians. I was well accepted, nonetheless, as their youngest brother. But I was pretty sure that they had some big questions about me. But I always use my baking savvy to soften their hearts and win their trust. It was always my ready ammunition. It has 101% success rate.
As Anthony was in another place, I secured a position at a long-established company, which was my first real employment. With my position in the IT Department, which lent unlimited access to the Internet, I made friends with several other gay men through the chat room, with and without my partner’s knowledge. I was very curious about the different experiences awaiting every gay man in his early 20’s in a busy city. While I remained loyal to Anthony, I became egoistic. I arranged secret meetings especially with those who were so keen when I found out that I was a hot item in the market. Unmistakably, I ended up having many suitors. I was basking in attention. Flowers, chocolates and gifts would be sent to my office.
Anthony finally returned home for good after about a year or so. He eventually knew of the evil business I was doing. We always had serious fights. Realizing that I couldn’t be stopped, contrary to his feelings, he allowed our relationship to be open. Through me, I made Anthony do things that violated my very principles of a sound relationship. We did threesomes and foursomes. We met different guys at random. I pulled the trigger! That was his only way of keeping me by dancing with my tunes.
It came to a point when I already questioned my relationship with Anthony that he was being unfair and not doing his part well. He was the bad guy. This became the impetus for the birth of many other fleeting relationships within our relationship. Albeit, there was never a chance that I left Anthony for someone else. I believe I was still scared of losing him because he was the only who provided me unconditional love.
If relationships were pearls, I could have strewn them all into a nice piece of necklace. I never wanted to be single.
The day of reckoning arrived when I flew to Manila leaving Anthony broken-hearted, bitter and in disdain. My friends said he drastically lost weight and looking so distressed. It didn’t appear to me at that time how numb I was to Anthony’s feelings. I thought it was about a restless guy who wanted to leave his cage and seek more of what can be sought. My needs were far too important than loving Anthony.
In many ways, Manila is haven to the most open homosexual lifestyle in the Philippines. Gay bars abound and gays of every colour were tolerated. A life of their own existed without fear of social bashing. Having a population by the hundred thousands, the gay population was a significant number. Even during that time, gay-related activities and gay-oriented places were plentiful and forthcoming. As of late, since the past five years that I was absent from the gay melting pot that is Malate, I was so surprised to see how the population has grown and how more open the gays were. It was a sight!
And I had an issue at that time.
I was living in denial about my real needs against what I overtly desire.
I was very good in painting a good picture of myself effortlessly gaining the hearts of many people. I was holding a flashing banner that says: I am your next perfect partner.
Deep inside I was craving for regular encounters with handsome men regardless of my existing commitments. Maybe having a commitment was just for show so I wouldn’t be called a slut. I had fantasies waiting to be realized. Was I even dreaming that I want to be like Evita Peron luxuriating in the glory of life? It doesn’t differ me from any philandering homosexual.
However, whenever I was left to myself I felt sad and empty. My desires were contradictory. I couldn’t choose which way to go. I just selfishly wanted them all in one gulp.
In 2005 my life took a major leap. After I got myself convinced to leave my friends and family behind I had the first taste of working overseas. And not only that, it was primarily to realize my calling for chef-hood. All things being more different in my home country and with the newfound responsibilities and obligations, I worked hard to earn a living and worked my way up. I became well focused with my goals in life and acknowledged my weaknesses and strengths. And for the longest time, I became single for three years.
There were insignificant encounters along the way. My libido had somehow declined. What kept me busy instead was beefing up my skills and actively helped my family in terms of monetary support. My professional network was growing and the last thing I knew I was always hopping from one country to another: Dubai, New Zealand, Fiji, Australia, China, New York and Maldives.
In the last six years abroad, my independence shaped me into becoming a more mature, strong, responsible and wise person. I became very comfortable with my gay persona but surprisingly behaved in a more straight fashion. I didn’t have to exert much effort to integrate into any crowd. The only repercussion: more females will desire you. Of course, I have nothing against women but if you were an eligible male I’d prefer that.
Also, during those times, I have learned to acknowledge my shortcomings and take stock of what I can really provide emotionally. I have had two relationships with foreign men and the trend seemed to point to an unsure partnership. I had issues regarding keeping one because I was always on the move. There were times though that I wanted to settle down and be with my partner for as long as it lasts. However, I still have so many years ahead of me to enjoy life and fatten my wallet. I have obligations back home and I am just not ready yet to give up the most part of my career.
In the recent years, I had a few sexual encounters. It seemed I couldn’t be bothered if I ended up zero. Although when I was in China I was engrossed with escort services. Who wouldn’t be tempted? The guys were so hot! If I was only tending myself, I would have spent a fortune on them. But it was part of my experience as an adult – never scared to try new things.
Life goes on for Eggbert. Life is a journey and tomorrow or next I may have a change of heart or I totally adopt a new belief in life.
Nobody can tell.
What’s important is that I am living my life as a responsible homosexual. And with the way things are, I don’t want to be alone in this world. It’s now a matter of when and with whom my life will rest on for good (or for the moment?).
Names have been altered to protect their identity. It is the intention of the writer to provide an honest account of Eggbert’s homosexual meanderings. May this be a source of valuable information.
I chose that name because I am always drawn to English-sounding names. It is chick!
I have been living this gay life for almost 34 years now and happy to be one.
In my generation, homosexuality was seen as a biological disease or a societal defect or a violation of spiritual order according to Christianity. I grew up aware that I was different from every male around me. Reserved, timid, introverted and shy, every childhood straight playmate would poke fun at me and call me gay.
Based on the accounts of my parents and my babysitters, when I was a child I would always call out the words, Herpin and Tutay. Those were my slangs for hairpin and suklay or comb respectively. Could I be outright judged to be gay when I have no recollection of what I mumbled when I was a kid?
My folks being unguided or uninformed about what being gay is all about, like everybody else in my generation, I grew up so absorbed about rejection in school, in my neighbourhood and in my family. I was cloaked in fear and hearing the word gay from my peers was synonymous to banishment.
But none of this dread kept me from moving forward as if nature had already intended the gay-hood path.
When I started in grade school, I had sporadic and brief sexual experiences. As far as I can remember, my first contact with a foreign male genital was when I was around 10 years old with my bosom friend. We were playing hide and seek and ended up hiding underneath a bench. It was not something borne out of our desire to be sexually intimate as we were so young. It was an exploration. But I was already aware that what I was doing was something I would lap up in my adulthood. For my friend, it was plainly a game. We did 69.
Several other encounters with him and other boys followed with the same goal of simply “discovering ourselves”. Perhaps, the main question I’d like to put forward is: Why did I already feel attracted to him?
In a little before high school, things became more different and conspicuous. Boys talk more about how this white and slimy matter came out of their manhood, how they steal porn magazines and videos from their father’s closet and other carnal businesses. It was the height of feeding our curiosity. Boys were on the verge of becoming sexually active teenagers. By its own merit, my sexual fantasies had heightened and the need for sex with other guys increased.
I had several crushes in school and regularly dreamt of intimate moments. Wet dreams were common. Whenever my male classmates go for a masturbation or porn-movie session I would join them. I couldn’t wait to see how big their tools were.
Back in my backyard, there was this guy named Brian who was very straight and I adored him so much. He used to reject me and get physical about it if need be. I was beaten and hurt. But I never stopped adoring him. The more he showed his masculine superiority the more I was drawn to him. At about the same time, I also met Eric, a very handsome short and stocky guy. They were all crazy about BMX bikes and they go in groups at night like drag racers on drugs. I would be waiting outside our house from 7:00pm until about midnight just to catch a glimpse of the group especially Brian and Eric.
Eventually, I became close to Eric and Brian and it came to a point that my fantasies were finally realized and had my first real sexual encounter – aware, feeling it and enjoying it like never before. I was their regular slave boy who would give them blowjobs when they’re hungry for lust. Man! That was the craziest part of my teenage life! We had sex in the staircase, in their parent’s room, in the sprawling football field at night, in the public toilet and behind the big barrels in gasoline stations. It was thrilling and fun.
In school I also had similar encounters. I met a few older teenagers who coaxed me into having sex with them. I would eagerly hold or stroke my classmates’ penises in secret inside the class. I was even treated like a girl by some wrapping their arms around me in a desolate place or being sweet to me like I was their “girlfriend”. However, I wasn’t emotionally prepared at that time and all I wanted was just to seize every moment to please guys for my own contentment.
In 1993, I moved out of my hometown to attend college at the University of the Philippines in Luzon. Things have drastically changed. My priorities shifted and I was a grades-freak. My classmates eventually called me a walking book. Surprisingly, my college life wasn’t so homosexually exciting as in high school. I did have crushes and fantasies and maintained my masturbation routine like any straight male would. However, I never had a single encounter in the five years I have spent in the university. Strangely, whenever someone displays sexual advances I would tremble badly that they would abort the mission. I was confused.
In 1997 I finished college in flying colours and went home to establish our home bakery business. I was a more informed person and wise enough to make a brave stand for things that I believe in. I felt more superior and capable. When I turned 21, I finally opened up to my mother that I was gay. It was one of the most difficult moments but turned things around for good. And it all happened when I became emotionally involved with a man whose name was John. He made me accept for who I was.
John paved the way to my discovery of love and male-to-male relationships. He made me feel okay about living out my life as gay. Though we didn’t last long, it was the awakening time. John always remained a good friend and even up to now we stay in touch.
During those years I was becoming more and more emotionally vulnerable. I fell in love with several men and was willing to give up anything I had in the name of love. My expeditions involved travelling to Dumaguete, Cebu and Siquijor. I knew my family, especially my mother, were already concerned about my wanderings but I ignored their feelings. My feelings were a priority.
I met different people from all walks of life – college students, businessmen, fags, straight-acting people, confused gays (or bisexuals) and even con men. Thanks to MIRC – an Internet relay chat application. It was the most popular communication software at that time before Yahoo Messenger, MSN and other popular applications arrived. The Internet was relatively new and everyone was crazy about it. I would stay up late everyday in pursuit of finding Mr. Right – although some turned out to be Mr. Right Now.
In the first quarter of 1999 I met a special person. In fact, he was a very special one by the name of Anthony. He was short, seven years senior and bright. He would become my partner of a challenging gay relationship that lasted for half a decade.
It was a whirlwind romance and I left our family business for him. My mother cried like she lost a son. I was too consumed with my feelings for Anthony that none of those sentiments affected me. I was a bird ready to leave the nest.
I arrived in Cagayan de Oro City with high hopes. At last! Living this gay life with someone who swept my feet off the ground. I have imaginings of all sorts - a relationship guided by perfection and Hollywood movies. I dreamt of the impossible. I pushed boundaries. Many of our friends praised our relationship like a model couple.
I stayed with Anthony’s family and I looked after myself well when he had to be away to work in another island. It was awkward, of course. His family were devout Christians. I was well accepted, nonetheless, as their youngest brother. But I was pretty sure that they had some big questions about me. But I always use my baking savvy to soften their hearts and win their trust. It was always my ready ammunition. It has 101% success rate.
As Anthony was in another place, I secured a position at a long-established company, which was my first real employment. With my position in the IT Department, which lent unlimited access to the Internet, I made friends with several other gay men through the chat room, with and without my partner’s knowledge. I was very curious about the different experiences awaiting every gay man in his early 20’s in a busy city. While I remained loyal to Anthony, I became egoistic. I arranged secret meetings especially with those who were so keen when I found out that I was a hot item in the market. Unmistakably, I ended up having many suitors. I was basking in attention. Flowers, chocolates and gifts would be sent to my office.
Anthony finally returned home for good after about a year or so. He eventually knew of the evil business I was doing. We always had serious fights. Realizing that I couldn’t be stopped, contrary to his feelings, he allowed our relationship to be open. Through me, I made Anthony do things that violated my very principles of a sound relationship. We did threesomes and foursomes. We met different guys at random. I pulled the trigger! That was his only way of keeping me by dancing with my tunes.
It came to a point when I already questioned my relationship with Anthony that he was being unfair and not doing his part well. He was the bad guy. This became the impetus for the birth of many other fleeting relationships within our relationship. Albeit, there was never a chance that I left Anthony for someone else. I believe I was still scared of losing him because he was the only who provided me unconditional love.
If relationships were pearls, I could have strewn them all into a nice piece of necklace. I never wanted to be single.
The day of reckoning arrived when I flew to Manila leaving Anthony broken-hearted, bitter and in disdain. My friends said he drastically lost weight and looking so distressed. It didn’t appear to me at that time how numb I was to Anthony’s feelings. I thought it was about a restless guy who wanted to leave his cage and seek more of what can be sought. My needs were far too important than loving Anthony.
In many ways, Manila is haven to the most open homosexual lifestyle in the Philippines. Gay bars abound and gays of every colour were tolerated. A life of their own existed without fear of social bashing. Having a population by the hundred thousands, the gay population was a significant number. Even during that time, gay-related activities and gay-oriented places were plentiful and forthcoming. As of late, since the past five years that I was absent from the gay melting pot that is Malate, I was so surprised to see how the population has grown and how more open the gays were. It was a sight!
And I had an issue at that time.
I was living in denial about my real needs against what I overtly desire.
I was very good in painting a good picture of myself effortlessly gaining the hearts of many people. I was holding a flashing banner that says: I am your next perfect partner.
Deep inside I was craving for regular encounters with handsome men regardless of my existing commitments. Maybe having a commitment was just for show so I wouldn’t be called a slut. I had fantasies waiting to be realized. Was I even dreaming that I want to be like Evita Peron luxuriating in the glory of life? It doesn’t differ me from any philandering homosexual.
However, whenever I was left to myself I felt sad and empty. My desires were contradictory. I couldn’t choose which way to go. I just selfishly wanted them all in one gulp.
In 2005 my life took a major leap. After I got myself convinced to leave my friends and family behind I had the first taste of working overseas. And not only that, it was primarily to realize my calling for chef-hood. All things being more different in my home country and with the newfound responsibilities and obligations, I worked hard to earn a living and worked my way up. I became well focused with my goals in life and acknowledged my weaknesses and strengths. And for the longest time, I became single for three years.
There were insignificant encounters along the way. My libido had somehow declined. What kept me busy instead was beefing up my skills and actively helped my family in terms of monetary support. My professional network was growing and the last thing I knew I was always hopping from one country to another: Dubai, New Zealand, Fiji, Australia, China, New York and Maldives.
In the last six years abroad, my independence shaped me into becoming a more mature, strong, responsible and wise person. I became very comfortable with my gay persona but surprisingly behaved in a more straight fashion. I didn’t have to exert much effort to integrate into any crowd. The only repercussion: more females will desire you. Of course, I have nothing against women but if you were an eligible male I’d prefer that.
Also, during those times, I have learned to acknowledge my shortcomings and take stock of what I can really provide emotionally. I have had two relationships with foreign men and the trend seemed to point to an unsure partnership. I had issues regarding keeping one because I was always on the move. There were times though that I wanted to settle down and be with my partner for as long as it lasts. However, I still have so many years ahead of me to enjoy life and fatten my wallet. I have obligations back home and I am just not ready yet to give up the most part of my career.
In the recent years, I had a few sexual encounters. It seemed I couldn’t be bothered if I ended up zero. Although when I was in China I was engrossed with escort services. Who wouldn’t be tempted? The guys were so hot! If I was only tending myself, I would have spent a fortune on them. But it was part of my experience as an adult – never scared to try new things.
Life goes on for Eggbert. Life is a journey and tomorrow or next I may have a change of heart or I totally adopt a new belief in life.
Nobody can tell.
What’s important is that I am living my life as a responsible homosexual. And with the way things are, I don’t want to be alone in this world. It’s now a matter of when and with whom my life will rest on for good (or for the moment?).
Names have been altered to protect their identity. It is the intention of the writer to provide an honest account of Eggbert’s homosexual meanderings. May this be a source of valuable information.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Masseur Adventure
I have this guilt feeling for being slowly addicted to the male massage service in Beijing.
It started as a real need to de-stress that turned out to be habit-forming. The massages I have had were all awesome except for one that I paid a high price for. And it involved a guy in his late twenties who is irresistible and lured me to my weakness.
Being in a relationship, going into a sensual adventure with a masseur when my partner is away is something to really fret about. I have tried to put a stop to it but so far it has been unsuccessful. My secondary consideration is the money involved. It doesn't cost cheap! I could have spent that money somewhere more worthwhile. BUT, after working so hard in this trying place you have the urge to reward yourself with excesses.
I just rang up the gay outcall service a few minutes ago and here I am exploring my thoughts and feelings about this adventure while waiting for my masseur to arrive. My iBook is my trusty confidante. It knows what lurks behind my so-called angelic nature to many.
I always fancy men laying their hands on my body and doing sensual strokes here and there until you lose it! Some of them, like the one I just called up, are purely for sex more than anything else. However, I insisted that I be given a massage only so they won't charge me the full amount of 800 RMB.
My partner will surely freak out when he learns of my hidden meanderings. Although it is just pure out of curiosity and the idea of luxury, it is still inexcusable. I already set out a big plan for my partner and myself so we could live a happy life together. And here I am engaging in some secret business that is dishonest and disloyal.
I easily blow up things into bigger proportions cracking my head with pangs of conscience. I could well take this adventure as just a rite of passage being new to Beijing and the covert gay businesses flourishing around town that I have never tried in my gay life. A proper mind-setting and some mantras could help alleviate the psychological impact of what I am engaging in. Guilt is just a difficult thing for me to bear. I can't lie. I am not good at it.
Well, in a few minutes the masseur will arrive and who knows how we will turn out to be. I am assured that he will be handsome and irresistible like the guy before. But I would like to do my homework after this and beg myself not to do it again. It is silly for me having a partner who loves me 101%.
Now let me answer the door....
It started as a real need to de-stress that turned out to be habit-forming. The massages I have had were all awesome except for one that I paid a high price for. And it involved a guy in his late twenties who is irresistible and lured me to my weakness.
Being in a relationship, going into a sensual adventure with a masseur when my partner is away is something to really fret about. I have tried to put a stop to it but so far it has been unsuccessful. My secondary consideration is the money involved. It doesn't cost cheap! I could have spent that money somewhere more worthwhile. BUT, after working so hard in this trying place you have the urge to reward yourself with excesses.
I just rang up the gay outcall service a few minutes ago and here I am exploring my thoughts and feelings about this adventure while waiting for my masseur to arrive. My iBook is my trusty confidante. It knows what lurks behind my so-called angelic nature to many.
I always fancy men laying their hands on my body and doing sensual strokes here and there until you lose it! Some of them, like the one I just called up, are purely for sex more than anything else. However, I insisted that I be given a massage only so they won't charge me the full amount of 800 RMB.
My partner will surely freak out when he learns of my hidden meanderings. Although it is just pure out of curiosity and the idea of luxury, it is still inexcusable. I already set out a big plan for my partner and myself so we could live a happy life together. And here I am engaging in some secret business that is dishonest and disloyal.
I easily blow up things into bigger proportions cracking my head with pangs of conscience. I could well take this adventure as just a rite of passage being new to Beijing and the covert gay businesses flourishing around town that I have never tried in my gay life. A proper mind-setting and some mantras could help alleviate the psychological impact of what I am engaging in. Guilt is just a difficult thing for me to bear. I can't lie. I am not good at it.
Well, in a few minutes the masseur will arrive and who knows how we will turn out to be. I am assured that he will be handsome and irresistible like the guy before. But I would like to do my homework after this and beg myself not to do it again. It is silly for me having a partner who loves me 101%.
Now let me answer the door....
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
The New Beijinger
After two tumultuous weeks in Fiji Islands, I finally got my Visa and flew in to Beijing the following day.
Due to the upcoming Olympics, Beijing has put so many restrictions and revised their policies altogether - to the foreigners dismay.
I arrived in the evening and thought I landed in the world's biggest airport. Unfortunately, I figured out that the airport was the old one because of the discolored structure. My flight wasn't a good one at all - it was a generally bumpy 14 hour ride from Nadi to Seoul and Seoul to Beijing.
I was welcomed by my new colleagues who made sure I felt comfortable in my first night. The accommodation provided wasn't up to everyone's standards and they were apologetic about it. Nevertheless, it provided the basics: a bed, a toilet and, of course, a free internet line.
Beijing turned out to be a place that I will love despite the pollution and the language barrier. I don't see any of those as that serious as what other people would like to put it. I believe that Beijing has its own character and must be respected. Since I was up for a new adventure, I referred to my travel guide that was given to me by a dear friend back in Fiji. It was a big help because I was able to get around Beijing on my second day. I was also very pleased to have chosen a well-recommended restaurant for dinner. If you are new, the trick here is to get the addresses of the places you are going to written in chinese in a piece of paper. Flash it to the driver and he will sort it out for you. Just make sure you know how to say LEFT TURN, RIGHT TURN, STRAIGHT AHEAD and RIGHT HERE PLEASE. The pronunciations are not easy but can be learned of course. Do a little bit of charade and you'll get your message across.
The stark difference between Fiji people and China people is the friendliness. Here in Beijing you will hardly get that warm smile and heartfelt greetings when you meet a local. Everyone doesn't seem to be bothered at all. Although if you are a foreigner and markedly "alien" looking you end up being stared at many times. My Filipino friend told me that at a far-flung school he was teaching at the grade school students would ask him to sign on their notebooks. Strange isn't it?
Settling in is not a big problem for me because I felt very much at ease. I find the culture vibrant and the language very interesting. I tried to learn as many chinese phrases as I can that will eventually make my work here a lot easier in the coming months. What I find difficult are the different pinyin stresses. Just a slight variation in the rise and fall of the tone and you will be completely gibberish. Listen closely and talk to the locals more often than fully rely on books.
I was able to get a decent and good-sized apartment after 5 days. It is overlooking the Chaoyang Park - said to be Asia's biggest park. Still unverified, I won't disclaim it outright because it is indeed very expansive. And Beijing is a very large space. You can put the biggest structures here.
I love my apartment despite the minor issues I had in the beginning. I have cleaned up my kitchen and bathroom and later will organize my bedroom and living room. I realized how hard it will be to maintain it by myself so I need an ayi to help me with the chores. Household help is called ayi in China. I had a Chinese ayi once and we couldn't communicate properly. In fairness to her, she was very kind-hearted and pleasant. However, she wasn't thorough in cleaning up. So, I decided to get a Filipino ayi. We Filipinos know our cleaning jobs well. That will give me peace of mind and more satisfaction.
The other thing that I am dealing with right now is gaining a good mix of friends - gay and straight alike. At the moment, it is a little tricky because I am cautious in getting close to the Chinese gay people. I don't know what they are made up of. Although I have already met three people, I couldn't confidently declare I have found the comfort zone yet. But in saying that, I have had a house guest a few days back. Surprisingly he was Filipino. I hardly meet up with Filipinos wherever I go to. I love our breed but it is the attitude that puts me off. However, this guy is more than what I could bargain for. For some reason, he made me want to be very intimate with him. But yet again, I was unlucky - he was here on a holiday. Despite the brief meetings I treasured whatever transpired. If only he was here to stay, he could have been the ONE.
The coming months and year(s) will be a great challenge. However, I feel very prepared and confident. I will be a Beijinger.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Uncertain...
I had a very wonderful evening yesterday. I would like to think it was the best farewell party I ever had throughout the week.
Yes, I had a series of send-off gatherings since Monday of last week sponsored by different groups of people: culinary staff, expatriates, my bakers, my friends and last night my mandara spa family.
Despite the inconvenience the delay of my flight has caused, I am also thankful that I have been able to spend quality time with people who care for and love you. It makes you realize that you have indeed touched many people's hearts. I thought I didn't create enough ripples to make my existence in Fiji something to cherish for.
I can't help feeling lucky. Feeling thankful to my family for raising me to be a very pleasant person. Feeling proud and gratified that I have become part of other people's lives.
On that note, I also want to appreciate a few people who have really wanted to share their lives with me. People who have shown desire to make me a part of them. People who are true to their feelings and willing to try a little harder or take the extra mile to find joy.
My career is well-chartered. However, my personal life is indefinite.
Uncertain...
Lo! We must not dwell upon something that only leads to despair. That is the last thing a fighter would ever want to happen in his life.
I know my mum has always wished that before she leaves this world she will see me in great satisfaction and happiness with someone. I believe everyone in our family does hope for the same being the youngest child who has made his visions come to life. I made their dreams come true through me. I always replay in my mind what my mum said to me one night: "the reason why I kept going in this life is because of you - you inspire me".
Consequently, I would like to say "thanks, Miguel" for making my heart skip a beat again. It has been ages since I felt that. It brings back hope.
Yes, I had a series of send-off gatherings since Monday of last week sponsored by different groups of people: culinary staff, expatriates, my bakers, my friends and last night my mandara spa family.
Despite the inconvenience the delay of my flight has caused, I am also thankful that I have been able to spend quality time with people who care for and love you. It makes you realize that you have indeed touched many people's hearts. I thought I didn't create enough ripples to make my existence in Fiji something to cherish for.
I can't help feeling lucky. Feeling thankful to my family for raising me to be a very pleasant person. Feeling proud and gratified that I have become part of other people's lives.
On that note, I also want to appreciate a few people who have really wanted to share their lives with me. People who have shown desire to make me a part of them. People who are true to their feelings and willing to try a little harder or take the extra mile to find joy.
My career is well-chartered. However, my personal life is indefinite.
Uncertain...
Lo! We must not dwell upon something that only leads to despair. That is the last thing a fighter would ever want to happen in his life.
I know my mum has always wished that before she leaves this world she will see me in great satisfaction and happiness with someone. I believe everyone in our family does hope for the same being the youngest child who has made his visions come to life. I made their dreams come true through me. I always replay in my mind what my mum said to me one night: "the reason why I kept going in this life is because of you - you inspire me".
Consequently, I would like to say "thanks, Miguel" for making my heart skip a beat again. It has been ages since I felt that. It brings back hope.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Some revelations: Is sex bad?
Having been raised in a Catholic community, the appreciation of sex is very much confined within religious contexts.
Promiscuity is viewed as the devil's work and much more so if you are gay - you will be satan yourself.
However, my travels abroad have gradually changed my perception of sex although I still remain reluctant in some areas like having multiple partners or orgy-mongering. My religion-bound upbringing still influences my decisions.
Nevertheless, I have some revelations to tell about my sex life. In whatever way you view it, you may either post your comments here or just keep it to yourself.
One thing I want to be clear about is that I am not your ever-horny guy who needs a shag so often that he will have a bad day if he doesn't get one. With or without it I still feel adequate in my sex life. The hand remains my best friend in times of need.
I have tried threesome when I was in my mid 20's. It was a novel activity for me and I did enjoy it for a couple of times. The only drawback I found was how to synchronize everyone so nobody will be left behind. At some point you will feel awkward if you are getting more pleasure than the others. Well, if you are very appealing compared to the other two then it works to your advantage. But I don't like inequitable distribution of pleasure. I didn't engage in threesome anymore after that.
Is having sex with a muscular and good-looking guy your fantasy? I believe it is everybody's. It is a wonderful feeling if someone with Adonis' characteristics craves for you. My only complaint is as much as it is pleasurable and realizes your fantasies you don't want to get attached as you would surely be on the losing end. Being very romantic and sweet, I find this really difficult to deal with. I can't help forming a bond.
My experiences have become varied when I left the country. I used to be very conservative about my partner's nationality or race. However, my preference changed when I worked abroad. I have slept with guys of Indian, Pakistani, Kiwi, Slovakian, Irish, Australian, Swiss and Fijian decent. APPALLING? At this point your thoughts must be racing on the idea of STDs. Yes, it is a risky situation. However, I don't swing around like a care-free guy who doesn't think of his future. You must always be armed properly. The highlight of these encounters is that you will learn that whatever the race or nationality the sexual act remains the same.
Just a quick disclaimer: I don't have sex that often in my life as it so appears. These accounts are spread out over eight years. In between, I had serious relationships that have shaped a balanced and healthy appreciation of sex.
Having said that, my ultimate realization is: "there is no greater feeling than MAKING LOVE with someone".
If you invite me for sex for the sake of it, it will take some time before you can coax me into getting into bed with you - if you catch me in the right mood. I don't feel that rush with just anyone whom I don't have a connection to however good looking or wealthy you are. In the same token, I'd rather cuddle with you than doing it all the way down. And if I have formed a bond with you then I take it from there. I don't get a hard on that easily. I must be enamored with you.
SEX isn't bad as what religion has taught us. It is about how you manage your sexual desires and making sure it doesn't dictate your actions. Rather, you must be in control. This is where you draw the line between being promiscuous and expressing your sexual desires. Sex is good because it strips you down to your basic form - you are a human being not too far apart from the rest of the animal kingdom.
Promiscuity is viewed as the devil's work and much more so if you are gay - you will be satan yourself.
However, my travels abroad have gradually changed my perception of sex although I still remain reluctant in some areas like having multiple partners or orgy-mongering. My religion-bound upbringing still influences my decisions.
Nevertheless, I have some revelations to tell about my sex life. In whatever way you view it, you may either post your comments here or just keep it to yourself.
One thing I want to be clear about is that I am not your ever-horny guy who needs a shag so often that he will have a bad day if he doesn't get one. With or without it I still feel adequate in my sex life. The hand remains my best friend in times of need.
I have tried threesome when I was in my mid 20's. It was a novel activity for me and I did enjoy it for a couple of times. The only drawback I found was how to synchronize everyone so nobody will be left behind. At some point you will feel awkward if you are getting more pleasure than the others. Well, if you are very appealing compared to the other two then it works to your advantage. But I don't like inequitable distribution of pleasure. I didn't engage in threesome anymore after that.
Is having sex with a muscular and good-looking guy your fantasy? I believe it is everybody's. It is a wonderful feeling if someone with Adonis' characteristics craves for you. My only complaint is as much as it is pleasurable and realizes your fantasies you don't want to get attached as you would surely be on the losing end. Being very romantic and sweet, I find this really difficult to deal with. I can't help forming a bond.
My experiences have become varied when I left the country. I used to be very conservative about my partner's nationality or race. However, my preference changed when I worked abroad. I have slept with guys of Indian, Pakistani, Kiwi, Slovakian, Irish, Australian, Swiss and Fijian decent. APPALLING? At this point your thoughts must be racing on the idea of STDs. Yes, it is a risky situation. However, I don't swing around like a care-free guy who doesn't think of his future. You must always be armed properly. The highlight of these encounters is that you will learn that whatever the race or nationality the sexual act remains the same.
Just a quick disclaimer: I don't have sex that often in my life as it so appears. These accounts are spread out over eight years. In between, I had serious relationships that have shaped a balanced and healthy appreciation of sex.
Having said that, my ultimate realization is: "there is no greater feeling than MAKING LOVE with someone".
If you invite me for sex for the sake of it, it will take some time before you can coax me into getting into bed with you - if you catch me in the right mood. I don't feel that rush with just anyone whom I don't have a connection to however good looking or wealthy you are. In the same token, I'd rather cuddle with you than doing it all the way down. And if I have formed a bond with you then I take it from there. I don't get a hard on that easily. I must be enamored with you.
SEX isn't bad as what religion has taught us. It is about how you manage your sexual desires and making sure it doesn't dictate your actions. Rather, you must be in control. This is where you draw the line between being promiscuous and expressing your sexual desires. Sex is good because it strips you down to your basic form - you are a human being not too far apart from the rest of the animal kingdom.
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